10/17/2015

 Wrote this the other day. Forgot to post. Enjoy the randomness. 
It’s still early and I’m sitting in my massage therapist lobby with the sudden urge to write. I’m not entirely sure about what. I just have so many feelings. I woke up to a gloomy, misty, foggy morning (my favorite). The leaves all around are changing and the light is amazing. 

Some recent developments have me really excited but until we’ve signed on the dotted line I’m not ready to talk openly about it yet. It’s my space and I’m allowed to be vague if I want to. 

The other day while I was sitting at my desk. The day was going slowly so I put my current favorite podcast on and just wrote. I waste ally excited to get that pen to paper time in. My plan was to rewrite for this space but I forgot it at work. Hopefully I remember to bring it home next week. 

A couple weeks ago we went to see George Thorogood at a casino on the beach. “Bad to bone” and winning money was a Friday night well spent in my book. 

  

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Does true love exist?

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This question has been on my mind for awhile. Maybe it’s because of the excessive amounts of Sex and the City I’ve been watching or the total shock of watching people I thought would be together forever are separating/divorcing.

This post will probably have no real meaning other than me asking all the question that have been swirling around in my head.

Is there one person for you? Do we have soul mates? I believe every romantic relationship we have is in some form of a soul mate. Wether or not that relationship worked out you took something away from it. And during that your relationship you were happy (hopefully).

My past relationships have all been relationships that were perfect for that time in my life. I took something away and grew as a person.

How do we decided to fall out of love? Are we fighting hard enough for what we need from our significant others?

Journal Prompt.

engagement photo.

engagement photo.

A journal prompt thanks to sometimes sweetThink about the plans you had for your adult self when you were younger- would you say they match up to your reality today? What did you wish for your future when you were a child? Did you have a plan? And would you say you’ve followed that plan in any way? This week, look at the life you hoped to have (even if you consider your childhood “dreams” silly now) and see how your current life compares.

Initially I laughed at myself. When I was around 8 my dream was to be a real princess. I was going to move to Europe to find a prince, become a princess, and spend my days wearing ball gowns.

As I grew a bit older I was going to become the most sought after project manager. I was going to move to New York and basically live exactly like Carrie. My own version of Sex and The City. I worked toward that until I met L.

Its funny how someone can alter your life without them (and even yourself) knowing right away. Now when I think about my dreams of moving, living my life for designers, I just laugh. I cannot even imagine living any where but here with anyone else.

After reading the prompt I had to really think deeper than just what my career dreams were, but how else has my life altered as I’ve grown. When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I still strive for that experience but I know it will come in time. L and I are babies that have so much to experience still.

Its funny to think about graduating exactly ten years ago and remembering how far away I thought this year was. How much I was going to have accomplished by this point. Now I’m here and I still feel like that 18 year old girl with the world at her finger tips. Yes more responsibilities but so many possibilities.

Thinking back on how my life has evolved from my little girl dreams to today makes me excited for the next ten years. Where will we live? Will have a family of our own? Even in a year from now, how will my life change from the plans we have set for it now?

Dear Mom.

Me and my mom on my wedding day.

Me and my mom on my wedding day.

Dear Mom,

I’m not 100% sure where to start. I’m about to write down how much you mean to me. It’s funny because I should be able to say all of this directly to you, but thats the funny thing with emotions. I don’t know if I would ever be brave enough. You are the strongest person I know. You were the rock for sissie and I our whole lives. Without you I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Growing up I never knew of the hard times. I’m sure there were many as a single mom, but you always seemed to have it together. Whatever I wanted, you gave me. Whatever I needed, you gave me. Even today, we were suppose to be out celebrating you and you still paid.

I know when I was younger (always late for curfew) I didn’t appreciate it. You always waited up. I’m sorry for getting annoyed with you about that… Yes you were upset with me but it always came from a place of love.

Today while we were talking about me becoming a mom one day I kept thinking I hope I’ll be at least half the mom you are. Sorry about the comment babies shouldn’t have babies… Yes I am 28 but still have some growing up to do. I know though when that time comes you will be right there teaching me.

Happy Mother’s Day to the greatest Mom I could have ever asked for.

P.S. Sorry about all the drunk dials during my college days…. I now know 6am New York time is not an acceptable hour to call and tell you all about my night on top of the Empire State Building.

Loving me.

I’m not 100% positive how it happened, but I have joined a team for Hood to Coast. I guess it just came up in casual conversation at work, a co-worker happened to have a spot open on his team and bang I agreed. H2C is something I’ve grown up hearing about and watching. Getting on a team is tough, and even though I enjoy running I never actually thought I would one day be able to participate.

After finishing the Shamrock 5K last month.

After finishing the Shamrock 5K last month.

Once I finished the Shamrock run it really hit me I need to start training. Well mainly because later that day pictured above my uncle and I agreed to participate in the Rock n Roll Half on May 18th. Now get me wrong, I’m very excited for this year and the goals I’ve set for myself. But something in me, that I like to hide deep down inside, is starting to resurface.

I’ve starting conditioning three days a week and running with my H2C team once a week. Four days a week of pretty intense toning/cardio. I’m seeing my body change and develop to be an amazing machine. But the other day while getting ready I started picking out every flaw. I’ve even noticed my eating habits have changed. This inner demon comes out without me even realizing it. This demon is frustrated when I see other women running and I’m not where they are athletically (even weight wise). The me writing this is happy with the person I am physically, but that demon is telling me I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to be the girl counting calories or the girl that looks too thin. I want to see the strength I’ve been building, and the amazing machine I’m building. I know its not me when I look at myself in the mirror or even a picture and all I see is love handles or double chins.

I believe everyone has an inner demon. I also feel we need to let everyone talk about that inner demon. I’ve tried to talk to a few friends regarding mine and its frustrating when they basically tell me I don’t have any reason to have weight issues. My demon isn’t a weight issue, she’s an appearance issue. She tells me I’m not good enough no matter how hard I try.

So I’m making the choice through all this training to lose that demon. Kicking her to the curb. I work hard, and should be able to enjoy my successes. I’m not perfect and don’t want to be perfect. I just want to enjoy me, myself, and I without that demon comparing me to the other gal in the room.

 

Just keep… //

Feeling like I can barely keep my head above water has become the norm around here. I feel like I’m working towards the cupcake but every time I get close its pulled further away. Slowly inching further away.

Yesterday I felt like I was failing ((because I failed two test)). I keep putting all this time and energy in, but the reward keeps getting further and further away. Today, I feel the same and found myself seeking pity from L. We work so hard to reach these goals but road getting there sucks.

Champagne dreams

Champagne dreams

Friday night we got some relief by deciding to take a night off and celebrate a friends birthday. That night made me remember all this hard work is for something. Without working all week for our goals we wouldn’t be able to enjoy our moments away from reality.

I guess Friday revitalized my energy. I left the party telling myself “Just keep swimming”. If I just keep going, swimming, trying, our goals will be reached and all this work will be worth something.

Happy Freaking Sunday!

Thoughts on Sunday //

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I’m not even sure where I want to begin here. There is so much happening in our world that I feel so confused. I’ve had a cold for the last week and it seems to be the only thing I can focus on. The cough, the headache, and the runny nose.

I always feel super sentimental this time of year. I try to reflect on the year and think of what I’ve done to better myself. Getting lost in the daily shuffle tends to be my issue. I get caught up in the daily and forget to look around me. Most recently my phone has decided to stop sending text randomly. The only way I can get it to work is by restarting it. Getting so caught up in my frustration I ordered a new phone only because it wasn’t available right now ((yes I got annoyed about having to wait)).

Our government is currently shut down and I’m concerned with my perfectly functional phone/a cold. Talk about walking around with blinders on…

With another new year rapidly approaching I am trying to focus on the aspects of myself I haven’t worked on. What can I do this year and in the new to help make things better for me/others? Growing up here in the states has been amazing but traveling to other countries has also reminded me to take off my blinders.

In my 20 something years what have I done for others? I am not planning on sharing my list of new years resolutions here but I do plan on sharing my growth to become a better person. So with that, do you plan on reflecting on the last year? Am I weird for not wanting to share my resolutions?